Monday, 18 March 2013
This weekend we had our foundation year retreat. This weekend I saw God do amazing things in my friends. This weekend God did many amazing things in me. This weekend hurt, but this weekend started a true healing in God, of many things.
Anyway, one thing God did this weekend, is revealed to me that when I gave my life to him I did it on a vaguely surface level (not that I realized this until Saturday). I'd always struggled to fully give everything to God, but I never really could explain why. On Saturday the person speaking talked a bit about giving our whole hearts to God, giving him literally everything we had. Everything. This stayed in my head for the rest of the day. That evening we sung to each other songs God had placed on our hearts. The song I was sung described my exact feelings, struggles, fears. God new my heart, he showed me that. At the end of the session, in my heart I knew I needed to go and give my whole heart to God, everything, so he could do anything he wanted in my life - not just what I would let him do. The person leading said at the end, is there anything anyone wants to say - and my hand just went up, and I said it, that I needed to give God my whole heart. I apologized to God for never fully giving him my heart, and I gave it too him. In that moment I knew God loves me, I knew in my heart, I knew it in a place I had never known it before. God continued to show his love to me through the encouragement from my Christian brothers and sisters all evening. There and then, in that moment, I took up my inheritance as a I child of God, I accepted God's love and he placed it in my heart. I knew it was the start of a bumpy, sometimes painful or difficult journey, but knowing my new identity I felt held and secure by God and my new family. Thank you God.
After the meeting, a couple of really close friends and I drove to the beach. We praised, we prayed, we opened ourselves again before God. When we got to the beach, I wrote all the things, good and bad, that had been a part of my life, on stones. I put them in a bag and I walked towards the water, and I threw them one by one into the see. I threw them knowing they were gone, that they were my old life, and God will give me a new one. In that moment, God said to me "I love you, beautiful." Simple words, but they broke me. I raised my arms, and I sung Amazing Grace with all the power I could have. We prayed together more, and worshiped together more as we drove back, and I truly felt that in that car I was surrounded my God's love through my friends.
I know that I will still have to fight, but now I'm secure, in my heart, that God loves me and that I am his child, I am ready. And when I spend time with God, he continues to say to me, "I love you, Beautiful."
Thank you God. You are always good, even when it hurts.