Thursday, 19 September 2013
Day 4 - things I've learnt in the past year
This ones gonna be tricky, I've learnt so much.
1- I've learnt that sometimes things have to blow up before they can be put back together. That hiding things and pretending they aren't there so you don't have to deal with them or get help with them does not work. This time last year I was in pretty big denial, slowly throughout the year at conferences and other things I realised how much I wasn't coping with things I thought I'd fixed. I knew it was time to get help, and I gave everything to God (see my post I love you, beautiful) and (this is where you want me to say everything got easier) everything appeared to go wrong. Really wrong. You can only know how wrong if you watched it all happen, which some of you did, and I'm sorry you had to watch. But now I have way more help, now I know who is supporting me and I'm on my way to being well again, really well, not fake well, I've been fake well too many times.
2- I've learnt that God will not leave you, even if you throw yourself off a metaphorical cliff. He was there when I was well, fake well, ill and all the in-betweens.
3- I have learnt to trust God more (I say more because I know I don't trust God fully, I wish I did, and I will keep trying, but more is more than before). To trust him when everything falls apart. And I mean everything. And it didn't even fall apart they way I thought it would! I learnt to trust God to get me through panic attacks, meetings, conference, trips to hospitals, talking to people, phone calls, all those things you think are easy but are really hard when your ill).
4- I learnt mental health problems are not something to be ashamed of, and neither is needing to be on benefits for now. I won't sit down and let you tell me that you shouldn't have to pay taxes to pay for me to have benefits, because if this was reversed you would never say that. I'd love to be able to work or be at university and not be on benefits right now, but I'm ill. You wouldn't tell someone who had an organ other than their brain working in a way that stopped them being able to work to not be on benefits, so don't tell me that either. Also, I've learned that if your not honest and you don't speak out then people don't understand, and they don't learn about how to help or support or whatever. Not that I always speak out, or that I find it easy when I do, but I've learnt I should.
5- I've learnt that worship is beyond just singing, it's beyond just anything. I'm not claiming to fully understand it. But worship is about every single thing you think or do or say giving glory to God, and worshipping is trying to to that as much as possible. Worshipping god might be taking myself to the doctors when I'm ill, or trying to do something I have to do despite being really sick with worry about it over and over and failing repeatedly but still trying.
Those are just a few of many things.
Also, I know I said 10 days, but I've been busy and then ill and never got round to it, but I will finish eventually!