Monday, 28 October 2013

Songs, poems and writing.

Something I'm trying to I try is using words to help me. Reading, singing, writing etc. and I intend to to 10 posts over 10 days that either give me hope, explain how I'm thinking and feeling.

So this is the first one and I'd like to share with you these lyrics:

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Tryin' to hold to what I can't see (to what I can't see)
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

This song gives me hope and reminds me that God will bring beauty from my pain, if I let him. That this won't all be for nothing. That he has plans.

I reccomend giving it a listen, it's called Beauty From Pain by Superchick.

Monday, 14 October 2013

Bad Day, Good God.

Some of you may know the relevance of the sea, and the beach to me, others of you may not. 
I love the sea, I love it in its stormiest and calmest, I think it's one of the most beautiful things this world has in terms on nature. There is more to it than that. 

Today I'm not having the easiest of days. I barely slept last night (after being told tea would solve all my problems by someone how is meant to be professional, lets just say it didn't). My mind is all over the place. Too fast. Too slow. Barely there at all. So there it feels like nothing else is. I'm tired. I'm weak. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to leave my duvet. I don't want to see anyone/speak to anyone. Get it? BAD DAY BAD DAY BAD DAY ALERT. Even writing this isn't helping me think like it normally does, and I keep stopping, the realising 5 minutes later that I've stopped. Today I'm happysadangryfrustratedlowhighcomfortablelazyangryangrysadaloneenergetichappylathargicBLAH. Welcome to borderline personality disorder emotion roller coaster, your seat belt is broken so just jump off when you need to. 

Anyway, your probably wondering how the two above paragraphs are related.
Hillsong have a song called Oceans, on their album Zion. Today I just keep reminding myself of the lyrics.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand


And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

So today that's what I will hold onto, that's what I will let be my seatbelt, that god will hold me and I won't fall out. That he will keep my head above the waves and stop me drowning. However much I scream and shout for help because I believe I'm drowning, he hears and he already knows I will make it. This isn't making the roller coaster stop. It doesn't stabilise my emotions. It means I have to trust what I can't see. It means I have to trust that even though I'm breathing in water I'm not going to die of internal drowning. 

Friday, 11 October 2013

World Mental Health Day.

I have mental health. You have mental health. We all have mental health. 
Sometimes we have ill mental health, sometimes we have well mental health.
Some of us have illnesses concerning our mental health. 
But we all have mental health! (This is a good thing...)

My mental health isn't great at the moment! You can probably tell that from my most recent posts. But that's OK. Most people at some point will struggle with their mental health, and I want you all to know:
-if that's you, don't be ashamed.
-if it's someone you know, don't be ashamed or afraid of them.
-if it's not you or someone you know it's not a bad thing to learn about while your lucky enough to be well :)

Be aware.
I'd love to live in a world where illness didn't exist. Wouldn't we all? But we live in a world where it does exist. We live in a world where we are surrounded by it and by the brokenness it causes in us and in those around us. It hurts. Some people experience physical illness, some mental illness, some both. It's fairly likely you know someone who is hurting physically right now, and someone who is hurting mentally right now. We need to be aware. We need to be aware of ourselves, of our mental and physical health, so if something is wrong we can ask for help. And we need to be aware of those around us, of their mental and physical health, so if something's wrong we can offer them support and help.

Be supportive.
If someone is struggling, they may reach out for help, but with a mental health problem sometimes it's difficult to express. If you don't understand what they are saying it's OK to ask again. If they say something that doesn't fit with your world do not tell them they are stupid, because for them it could be very very real. For example, some people who have hallucinations will see things you cannot see, just as clearly as you can see this writing on your screen. This doesn't make them stupid, but they may need help and support. Telling them they're stupid or that they can't possibly see it will not help. They can, and saying to them they can't could be very distressing. Just like if I told you that the screen your reading this on isn't really there. You'd think "but I can see it. I can I can I can. I can touch it. It's there". That's what they would think. 

Healthy body healthy mind?
If you don't have a mental health problem or you do, keeping your body healthy can help your mind work. (Yes I know I'm rubbish at this, but apparently it's true). Sleeping well, eating well, exercising regularly, doing things you enjoy, all help your mental health. If you do have a mental health problem these can become hard. But that doesn't mean you can't try. And try. And try again. 

HELP!
Please please please, if you have concerns about your mental health or someone close to you, then get help sooner rather than later. Have a look on the MIND website, or beat if it's eating related. Or visit your GP. Speak to those close to you, who you trust and ask for help. It's difficult to get help without asking. And keep asking, sometimes it takes a lot of asking, and a lot of time. But don't give up on yourself or anyone else.

For more mental health information visit MIND, Re-think mental health, beat, bipolar UK, Samaritans, Young Minds, Minds Like Ours and The Site.org.

And I wish you a well World Mental Health Day.

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Day 10 - 20 things I want to do in the future.

These are little and big reasons to fight. 
1- have children.
2- go to university.
3- go to New York.
4- take the TNT kids to spree.
5- go to Bristol to see Emily, Claire and Rachel.
6- go to Germany and see Julia.
7- go to Rock School 2014.
8- write and record a song.
9- run a marathon
10- go to clovelly
11- do the colour run.
12- help someone else through something I've been through.
13- write a book
14- knit a baby jumper.
15- raise £1,000 for charity.
16- teach dance at TNT!
17- see my mummy and give her a big hug.
18- share my story once I'm through this and encourage others!
19- go to Cornwall and splash in the sea.
20- be able to say thank you to God for seeing me through this life at the end of it, and the. Go to be with him worshipping forever.

So that's my 10 days over. I hope you've enjoyed it. I have. I hope it's helped people feel they aren't alone, helped people understand, and more. I'll keep blogging, but not as often I shouldn't think! Thanks for reading :)

Day 9 - How I'm learning to survive.

Why did I say I would do this? For your own good. To help you make things make sense. So that on the days you can barely remember the previous day there's a little hope. Don't mind my internal dialogue. 

So, how I'm learning to survive. I'm not sure if when I learnt this I meant the ways in which I am learning to survive. Or about the fact that I am learning to survive.

Hello, my name is Lizzi, and I'm learning to survive. Post done? No Lizzi, somehow I doubt you meant it to be that simple. 

So, how? Firstly, depending on how I'm doing, I take life a day/hour/half-hour/minute delete as applicable at a time. Some days I feel great, I know I can do today, I have this appointment here, I need to buy yoghurt, and then I'm gonna read a book and then go for a walk and then watch I-player. Fairly standard day, happens a lot for most people? A day like this would be a dream for me. On a rare occasion I may have one, but its normally interrupted. Sometimes if there's something happening the next day that gives me hope, or helps me hold out until then, I can fight. Then the actual thing comes up and I get nervous and anxious and scared and I panic. Sometimes it's just taking it minute by minute. I only have to deal with this minute, if I can do what I need to this sixty seconds then that'll be good. Repeat until day is through.
I'm learning to survive by asking for help. By calling (anxiety provoking phone call situation) someone. By speaking to a support worker. By texting someone. By praying. By writing what I can't say. If you do not ask for help, do not expect help. If you want something to change and you can't do it on your own, ask for help. 
I'm learning to survive by trying to do things I enjoy even when I don't want to or I freak out about them. This is easier said than done. But I try, because if you don't try then change won't come.
I'm learning to survive by letting god pick me up and put me back in place every time I fall down a hole. Which is often. But it's ok, because I'm not alone in that, and I'm trying. 
I'm learning to survive, to endure, to stand firm. So that one day I can thrive, and enjoy, and be a help.