Monday, 14 October 2013

Bad Day, Good God.

Some of you may know the relevance of the sea, and the beach to me, others of you may not. 
I love the sea, I love it in its stormiest and calmest, I think it's one of the most beautiful things this world has in terms on nature. There is more to it than that. 

Today I'm not having the easiest of days. I barely slept last night (after being told tea would solve all my problems by someone how is meant to be professional, lets just say it didn't). My mind is all over the place. Too fast. Too slow. Barely there at all. So there it feels like nothing else is. I'm tired. I'm weak. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to leave my duvet. I don't want to see anyone/speak to anyone. Get it? BAD DAY BAD DAY BAD DAY ALERT. Even writing this isn't helping me think like it normally does, and I keep stopping, the realising 5 minutes later that I've stopped. Today I'm happysadangryfrustratedlowhighcomfortablelazyangryangrysadaloneenergetichappylathargicBLAH. Welcome to borderline personality disorder emotion roller coaster, your seat belt is broken so just jump off when you need to. 

Anyway, your probably wondering how the two above paragraphs are related.
Hillsong have a song called Oceans, on their album Zion. Today I just keep reminding myself of the lyrics.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand


And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

So today that's what I will hold onto, that's what I will let be my seatbelt, that god will hold me and I won't fall out. That he will keep my head above the waves and stop me drowning. However much I scream and shout for help because I believe I'm drowning, he hears and he already knows I will make it. This isn't making the roller coaster stop. It doesn't stabilise my emotions. It means I have to trust what I can't see. It means I have to trust that even though I'm breathing in water I'm not going to die of internal drowning. 

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