Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Day 9 - How I'm learning to survive.

Why did I say I would do this? For your own good. To help you make things make sense. So that on the days you can barely remember the previous day there's a little hope. Don't mind my internal dialogue. 

So, how I'm learning to survive. I'm not sure if when I learnt this I meant the ways in which I am learning to survive. Or about the fact that I am learning to survive.

Hello, my name is Lizzi, and I'm learning to survive. Post done? No Lizzi, somehow I doubt you meant it to be that simple. 

So, how? Firstly, depending on how I'm doing, I take life a day/hour/half-hour/minute delete as applicable at a time. Some days I feel great, I know I can do today, I have this appointment here, I need to buy yoghurt, and then I'm gonna read a book and then go for a walk and then watch I-player. Fairly standard day, happens a lot for most people? A day like this would be a dream for me. On a rare occasion I may have one, but its normally interrupted. Sometimes if there's something happening the next day that gives me hope, or helps me hold out until then, I can fight. Then the actual thing comes up and I get nervous and anxious and scared and I panic. Sometimes it's just taking it minute by minute. I only have to deal with this minute, if I can do what I need to this sixty seconds then that'll be good. Repeat until day is through.
I'm learning to survive by asking for help. By calling (anxiety provoking phone call situation) someone. By speaking to a support worker. By texting someone. By praying. By writing what I can't say. If you do not ask for help, do not expect help. If you want something to change and you can't do it on your own, ask for help. 
I'm learning to survive by trying to do things I enjoy even when I don't want to or I freak out about them. This is easier said than done. But I try, because if you don't try then change won't come.
I'm learning to survive by letting god pick me up and put me back in place every time I fall down a hole. Which is often. But it's ok, because I'm not alone in that, and I'm trying. 
I'm learning to survive, to endure, to stand firm. So that one day I can thrive, and enjoy, and be a help.

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