Friday, 27 December 2013
I hope you have had a merry christmas. I hope the meaning of Christmas and the hope that tiny baby brought in darkness as affected you in a new way this week.
So, it's nearing the end of 2013. For me 2013 was a difficult year, it started in difficulty that had spanned the previous 6 years of my life. This difficulty was partly my mental health struggles, and the pressure I felt from others but mostly myself, to be OK, always, or to at least appear OK. Let me tell you now, it's OK not to be OK, so long as you are getting OK. If your not OK going into 2014, don't be ashamed of it, don't hide it, but ask for the help you need, the support you need.
My year deteriorated, I got more ill, I moved from house to house to house, with multiple hospital visits, until I ended up almost dead, and really unable to cope mentally, and damaged and broken more than I'd ever imagined. At the start of 2013 I never thought I would be where I am now, never thought I'd of been through what I have this year. But I have, and God has brought me through it, and been with me in it.
I am very thankful to God for this year. More than I expected I would be even if I'd had a great year. I cannot explain to you how much this year has hurt, and how little hope I had, and how far apart I fell. But by falling apart, I allowed God to start to slowly put me back in the right way. I'm a long way off well, but that's OK too. Had things not broken to the extent they had I would not be healing to the extent that I will.
So I thank God for this difficult year, I thank him for standing with me, holding me, carrying me, and letting me break. I thank him for those who he has put there to help. I thank him, because I'm still alive, because he is still alive, because he has paid the price for me never to break the same way I did this year again.
So, as I think about the new year, and what I'd like it to be like, my main focus is on God, for his will and for his timing. I encourage you, too, to think about what God has helped you through this year, and thank him. Celebrate his goodness this end of the year, for the struggles and the fun.
Thank you God, for I am still alive, and I know you more than when this year begun.