Wednesday, 1 January 2014

"If you really want something, you'll get it/you'll do it"

"If you really want something, you'll get it/you'll do it"

This has been a phrase that has been very important to me. I've always felt I must prove I wanted something my getting it or doing it,  if. I didn't, I didn't really want it. 
If I really wanted to self destruct, I'd do it no matter what people said. If I really didn't want to live anymore I'd die and I'd make sure of it. If I really wanted to lose weight, I would do it. To all of these things, if I didn't, then I felt scared someone would accuse me of lying, of not really being who I claim to be or wanting what I claim to want.

But what I've learnt recently, is that I can validly want something, accept that I want it, and not act upon it. That doesn't mean I don't want it, it means I've decided my want is not what is best, not what God wants not what I need. I can want to die, but know that the feeling won't last, and choose not to act on it. I can want to hurt myself, but know there's a better way and choose not to do it. It doesn't make the feeling any less intense, and it doesn't mean I don't want it, it means I'm making a choice to not put my wants first.

This isn't going to be easy, I know that, because for years I've done whatever it is I really want. And now being ill often turns those 'wants' into 'have to's', but I will try, to turn what I want over to God. To know that it's valid to want something and not do it or get it. And I believe it will be more freeing, to know that I'm not as ruled by my selfish desires, but that I can want something and make a choice about it. That will take a while, but it's something I know I need, and I something I'm willing to fight for.

If you have related to this in anyway, whether you believe in god or not, then I ask you to ponder, do you use that phrase for good or do you, like me, use it to justify actions that in reality don't help you and make you well?

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