Friday, 18 April 2014
Hello, people who read my blog! I know I haven't written anything for a while, most of lent, despite saying I probably would. Ive been pretty unwell most of lent, physically and mentally, but God has been with me, even in the darkest times, and things are still going, I am still here, I am still journeying and learning and recovering.
Today is Good Friday, and Ive been thinking this morning and praying and listening, about what does Good Friday have to teach me today (lots of things). As I expect most of you know, Jesus was crucified on Good Friday, he was mocked and beaten and crucified. We all deserved this, we all deserved death, for our sins, our brokeness, our turning away from God. However God rescued us, by sending his son to earth, as a human, to teach us about himself, and to take the punishment for our sins. To take our sins and brokeness to the grave.
I was thinking this morning about the disciples, and their feelings and emotions. They saw their leader, their hope, their everything, be brutally murdered on a cross. We know now that Jesus rose again. But at the time they didn't, all they knew was that their King, God's son, their teacher, had been killed by humans, despite the fact he had not sinned. Can you imagine how dark that must of felt? Everything you put your hope in, and it appears to be gone, forever. Obviously I cant prove they felt like this, but I believe they might of.
I don't know if you've ever put your hope in something, relied on something other than God to pull you through, and it hasn't? You get plunged into dark hopeless despair. I know. It happened to me. I didn't realise until it was pulled away from me, but I had put all my hope into studying and working, getting into university. And I wasn't offered a place. And I was plunged into dark despair, and I could see no hope, no reason to fight, no reason to recover, no reason to live at all. Obviously, people around my tried to encourage me, that "your young and you still have life ahead of you", "you can apply again", "you'll get through this". But when all of your hope is placed in something that is then snatched in an instant no human can bring you back from it with words. The truth was I was believing a lie, I was believing studying was going to save me, it was going to give me what I needed to fight, to pull through. But it wasn't, a degree cant give you that. I had to learn, I had to fight and get well for and through God, it is the only sure way, no other way will work, it will just lead to disappointment. So I challenge you to question your motives, what are you doing things for? Is it because you believe that will save you, will make things better? Because if its not God, or not of God, I don't believe it will. I challenge you to trust God, to find out how to do it through him and for him. Its a journey I'm on.
Other times are dark too. Some times my emotions are so intense, I'm not sure you'll understand how intense unless you have lived through them (its a major part of my BPD), and it appears there is no way out, no way through, all hope is gone, and I cannot tell you why, and I don't know what will happen next, or if I'll even get through it. But now, years on from Jesus is death and resurrection we can live in the knowledge that Jesus rose again leaving our sin behind. That the darkness and hopeless times will not last forever, that hope and light will come again. It will. It may not feel like it. I may not be able to see the way forward, but I have to chose to believe that there will be light, not to give up hope, to trust that God will bring light and give strength until the time where I am well.
I feel like I have rambled, but I hope it has made sense, and somehow made you think. Jesus may of been crucified, it may of seemed dark and hopeless, you may feel dark and hopeless, but trust God, he will rise again on sunday, and the dark hopelessness will lift, he will be faithful.
Here are two prayers I am saying at the moment, from the 'Common Prayer, A liturgy for Ordinary
Even in the darkness, we will trust: that out lives are still in your hands.
Guide us, Lord, through the dark places of our day, that we might trust you when shadows overcome the light. Remind us that darkness is as light to you.